Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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