Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
