Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
