i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
