I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
