so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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