Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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