I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
