I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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