if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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