I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?