i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.