I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
