plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
