Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All the doctor said was why
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
