did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hope mine doesn't look like that
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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