How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
