you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
