I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
