party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
