I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My life is pants optional.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
