she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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