how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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