your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
