I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
