This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
