I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
His hands were made for my vagina.
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I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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