That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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