I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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