I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
