Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
