He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
