she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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