You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
