im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
