Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
try to milk me bitch
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
