your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
