my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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