11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
