Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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