you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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