3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
