You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
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Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I FOUND THE LEGS
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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