I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
