turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
