I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
