remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
