dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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