News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
