he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
