last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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