And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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