I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
