you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
