Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
